a fake critic reviewing fake movies!
It’s a Wonderful Life 2: A Very Crabby Christmas
In what was possibly the biggest naming rights snafu in naming rights history, one night in 1992 two drunken frat boys found the title “It’s a Wonderful Life 2” in a dumpster behind the dive bar they frequented. They had struck gold, and the possibilities were endless.
Two weeks after they refused to take it out of the dumpster — “I ain’t no trash monkey! Ooh a sandwich!!” — a young man, not only with enough bravado to pull the used colostomy bags and hypodermic needles off this treasure but also with the audacity to use it, was forced out of his mother’s womb in one final, agonizing scream. His death at three weeks old was not much of a tragedy to anyone, including his mom, who hated him.
A lot of other stuff happened, especially Y2K and Michael Jackson was killed by terrorists and finally It’s a Wonderful Life 2 was born. And like a phoenix rising out of a pile of dead phoenixes, it rose with the glow of a thousand raves, and donned with the subtitle A Very Crabby Christmas, was destined for greatness.
Now, if the film Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey is any indication, live action talking animals are hot here in this exciting year of 1993 (Ed. Note: it is not 1993), and with the additional pull of Christy McChristmas (an industry term) I’m going to go ahead and call this my TOUCHDOWN PASS OF THE YEAR. Coincidently, It’s a Wonderful Life 3: A Super Bowl Christmas is currently in production.
A talking animal that saves a holiday may not be the most original idea (see The Woodpecker That Reminded Everyone about Arbor Day), but I must give credit where credit is due. They truly found the actingest crab this side of Crabville, New Hampshire, and after fetching Ozzy Osbourne impersonator Izzy Izbourne to provide the voice they had something they decided to call a movie.
Now, I don’t normally ruin film endings without being first paid large sums under the table, but in a bloody “why mommy! whhhy!!” sort of scene Santa Claus is brutally murdered. An unexpected twist, this actually happens at the beginning and not the end and in a storyline ripped from multiple Tim Allen movies and some stuff in my own head (I knew brain scans were a communist plot!), according to the “Santa Clause”, a crab must become the new Santa for some reason. The winner of this nationwide search for the jolliest, least scary looking crustacean is, of course, given the title Santa Claws and rides to the North Pole on a Harley Davidson for some reason.
Possibly the greatest thing about this film is that it has absolutely nothing to do with the original It’s a Wonderful Life, because let’s face it, it’s no Jingle All the Way. And although it has nothing to do with the original, they do have dozens of things in common. If you enjoyed a dangerously depressed and delusion man running through the streets screaming Merry Christmas to a bank and a movie theater, for instance, wait until you see a talking crab screaming Merry Christmas to every single grain of sand on a beach. Thanks to that scene alone this film is longer than Shoah and probably even more fun to watch.
Jimmy Stewart was going to make a cameo appearance until the producers realized he’s been dead for almost fifteen years and the contract was written in crayon on a used napkin. And it wasn’t even a napkin; it was a piece of driftwood. After exhuming his body they decided that he would still make a good extra. See if you can spot him! Or smell the stench of death!
It’s a Wonderful Life 2 truly has everything: a writer, a director, an actor or several, producers, a composer, cameramen, boom operators, stunt coordinators, wardrobe assistants, the list goes on. This, folks, is the recipe for a movie, so I hope you’re taking notes. And much like the recipe for a movie, the recipe for a cake is also recipe. And much like a cake, It’s a Wonderful Life 2 was made by people. Wonderful people with wonderful lives (see what I did there?). If honesty really was the best policy, this movie would be called It’s a Wonderful Movie. Is it ever.